


Grant Ward Agent of SHIELD

by my_failed_gay_ships03



Series: Agent Grant Ward of SHIELD [1]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Fluff, Grant Ward isn’t Hydra, Grant Ward needs a Hug, He's wrong, Hurt and confort, I'm Sorry, I'm overly attatched to the season 1 awkward puppy Ward so I wrote this, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Minor Character Death, Minor Violence, Multi, Physical Abuse, no beta we die like (wo)men, though ward thinks someone else is an awkward puppy, what is canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-05
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:06:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26308285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/my_failed_gay_ships03/pseuds/my_failed_gay_ships03
Summary: Fun Fact: This does not obey the laws of canon whatsoever. I threw everything and anything canon down the drain.What if Grant Ward was approached by Phil Coulson and Nick Fury one day? How would that change the way his life played out?Rated T for Minor Character Death, slight swearing, minor depictions of violence, and M/M. Don’t like, don’t read.
Relationships: Grant Ward & Clint Barton, Grant Ward & Phil Coulson, Minor Grant Ward/Original Male Character, Natasha Romanoff & Grant Ward, Phil Coulson/Melinda May (implied/referenced)
Series: Agent Grant Ward of SHIELD [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1911667
Kudos: 27





	1. Age 14

**Author's Note:**

> I kind of messed with the timeline a bit. So let’s say Clint wasn't born a year before Grant, but like 15 years before, for the sake of my story? Please? Thank You. As I said, canon does not apply to this story at all

Grant Ward was walking quietly, but quickly through an alleyway, hood pulled tightly over his head. He was on full alert, looking around in a paranoid fashion. He couldn't let them find him. He couldn't. 

He heard a sound and whipped around, pulling his gun from his hoodie’s front pocket. He knew how to shoot, and he wasn't afraid to if worst came to worst. He wouldn't go out without a fight. 

He looked around, eyes finding the two figures standing in the darkness. They both step forward, so Grant stepped back. It was a natural instinct, sure, but that didn't change the fact it made him look weak. 

One was an African American man with an eyepatch, wearing all black. The other was a middle-aged white man in a suit. 

“Grant Ward.” The man in all black nodded at him.

“Who are you people?” Grant demanded, finding it within him to aim his gun up at the man's head. 

“At ease, son.” He drawled. “I am Director Fury of SHIELD. This is my old partner, Agent Coulson.” He gestured to the other man, who waved like an awkward puppy at Grant. No, still a threat. 

“The hell is SHIELD?” Grant glared at them. He wasn’t going to turn himself in. He wasn’t. And as much as he hated his family, he wouldn’t sell them out. 

“Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement, and Logistics Divison,” Coulson explained, voice low and soft. He seemed friendly, but Grant knew you couldn’t trust anyone. Trusting people just gets you burned. 

“What does that mean?” Grant had lowered his gun slightly now but was still on alert.

“It meant someone just really wanted our organization to spell shield.” Fury intervened before Coulson could speak up. Grant stifled a laugh because he still didn’t know what these men wanted with him.

“What does that have to do with me?” He demanded. 

“Grant Douglas Ward. Son of Patrick Ward.” Coulson stepped closer to Grant. Grant tensed, backing away. He didn’t want to corner himself but didn’t want to let these men too close to him. 

“So? My dad works in a factory. Why?” He shrugged, naturally using the cover story that was drilled into him. Of course, he'd known that was a lie. He'd known since he saw his father standing over that man's body.

“I think we both know what your father does,” Coulson continued. Grant went pale, eyes flicking around the alleyway, looking for an escape. “I think we both know he runs part of the Irish Mob.” 

“How…?” He trailed off in shock. The police had never figured that out. Who were these people? How did they know this stuff?

“We know a lot of things, Ward.” Fury chuckled. 

“Just like we know, you’ve been training to take over and kill your older brother since you were 5. But you ran away.” Grant looked down. 

“So? My brother may be an ass, but I don’t want to kill him. And I don’t want to be my father.” He spat. 

Maynard was horrible. He hurt Grant, and he hurt their siblings. But Grant wasn’t going to kill him. He didn’t think he could. He fought back, yes. He’d nearly killed his father before he ran away. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t kill his family.

“We know. That’s why we’re here. We want to train you, Grant. To be one of the greatest agents our organization has ever seen.” What? He was just a kid. Why could they possibly want him?

“What’s in it for me?” He decided to say. Besides, he needed confirmation this would be good for him, not bad. 

“Well, it’s either this, join the Irish Mob, or be homeless.” Fury shot him a look. Well damn. It was true, but not the answer Grant wanted to hear. 

“So?” Coulson crossed his arms. He looked threatening, but there was something in his eyes that made Grant want to trust him. 

He may be making a huge mistake, but Fury was right. What other options did he have? Besides, it couldn't hurt. Eventually, his dad would find him, anyways. Coulson seemed genuine enough, so maybe this would be a good thing.

“I’m in.” He decided, speaking firmly. Coulson grinned.


	2. Chapter 2 - 15 Years Old

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kind of a fluffy chapter. 
> 
> Clint and Natasha being good parents/aunt and uncle

It had been a year since Fury, Coulson, Romomaf, and Barton began training Grant. 

Natasha and Clint supervised most of his training, Coulson chipping in when he visited, while Fury would observe now and then. 

He was living with Natasha and Clint, with Phil as an every other week guest. 

He would never say it out loud, but they were becoming family to him. Natasha was his overprotective mom, but also his cool aunt. Clint was his fun uncle, who was still worried. Fury was the scary uncle, who you didn’t want to mess with, but still cared about.

And Phil Coulson, well, he had become a father to Grant. And that scared him more than anything else.

He had been training with Natasha and had been since nearly 5 a.m. 

They were doing hand-to-hand, and Grant was just starting to get the upper hand. 

He managed to pin Natasha and felt a moment of accomplishment before she flipped him over, pinning him back. 

She smirked at him, helping him up.

“Are you two done yet?” Clint called from where he’d been watching for about 5 minutes. Grant and Natasha both glanced over at him. “It’s 9 a.m, and you’ve already been at it for four hours. It’s time to refuel!”

Grant and Natasha were both disgusted. Food did not sound appetizing at all right now. “Not hungry.” Grant shrugged, before jogging over to a punching bag. 

Clint marched over to him, grabbing the punching bag, and glaring lightly at his ward. “No. No more training until you drink a glass of orange juice and eat at least one piece of fruit.” 

“I hate this place,” Grant grumbled, though he didn’t mean it whatsoever. 

“You’ll thank me when you don’t pass out from over-exertion!” Clint beamed. “We’re also going to play a game!” He mentioned as he led Grant to the kitchen. Grant winced

“I’m 15. I haven’t played games since I was 8.” Grant deadpanned. 

“Yes. And so we’re trying to give you a little bit of childhood.” Natasha laughed behind them as Clint explained his reasoning to Grant. “Operation or Cranium?”

Grant thought on it for a minute. He didn’t want to play either of them, but Cranium was actually a children’s game. “Operation.” 

“Wonderful!” Clint beamed. “Phil’s gonna be here in an hour, and I figured you shouldn’t be dying when he gets here.” Grant looked up in excitement at the mention of his father figure. Phil always lightened the mood and made sure everyone had a good time. “He would freak out, and give us a lecture about responsibility before putting you on bed rest. We all know you would hate that.” He couldn’t argue with that logic.

He shared a grin with Nat before the two jumped over the couch, claiming it.

“Savages, both of you.” Clint sighed, shooting a glare at his roommates. 

“Hypocrite.” Natasha rolled her eyes. “You hide in the freaking vents.” She teased. Grant snickered at Clint’s face. 

“How dare you.” 

“She’s not wrong, Clint.” Grant laughed.

About an hour later, the door swung open. Grant looked over, a broad grin on his face.

“You’re playing operation?” A surprised Phil Coulson asked. Grant smirked as Clint laughed, giving his response. 

“Yep! I got them to take a break, so we’ve been playing for a while.” There was a box of donuts on the table that Grant hesitantly indulged in. He didn’t like eating junk food for many reasons, but his found family had taught him to indulge in silly things now and then. 

“Wow. What do you think, Grant? Having fun?” Coulson sat down next to Grant. Smiling, he nodded. Coulson grinned back at him. 

Grant wanted to make these people proud. They trusted him, and he was going to prove himself. He was. 

He wanted Phil to seem him as someone to be proud of, to see maybe even as a son. He wanted to show Clint and Natasha he could meet the standards they had set for him. 

And he was going to prove to Director Fury he could be trusted. No matter what.

“He’s too good at this game,” Clint complained, snapping Grant out of his trance. He smirked as Clint hit the buzzer again.

“You’re just a sore loser.” Natasha chuckled, grabbing another piece flawlessly.

“Do you want to play next round, Phil?” Grant asked hesitantly. Coulson smiled at the boy, easing some of his nerves.

“Sure,” He agreed, sitting back on the couch. Grant beamed, scooting ever so slightly closer to him. He didn’t notice Natasha and Clint exchange a look, or Coulson smile fondly at him. He just continued playing the game.


	3. 16 Years Old

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil and Grant bonding

Grant was watching Batman Beyond on the TV when Coulson sat down next to him. 

Without looking up, Grant greeted him. “Hey, dad.” He froze, burying his face in his hands. Oh god.

He messed up. He messed up so badly.

Coulson was going to hate him. He was going to think he was a freak. Phil was only 35, not old enough to have a kid Grant’s age, and even if that didn’t freak him out, why would he want a messed up soldier for a son?

“Grant,” Coulson’s voice was soft, reassuring. It didn’t mean anything. It was just to try and soothe him before the turndown. “Do you see me as a father figure?”

Without looking up, Grant responded. “Sort of? I mean, yes, but if it’s weird, I won’t ever mention it again. I’m sorry.” He blushed  
.   
“Hey, no.” Coulson scooted closer to Grant, putting a gentle arm over his shoulders. “I”m not mad, kid.” He reassured Grant, voice sounding slightly pained. That didn’t make any sense.

“Then what?” 

“If you see me as a father figure, son, that’s not bad. You’re my student, friend, and the closest thing I’ll most likely ever have to family.” Coulson chuckled slightly. Grant still didn’t look at him, though he sensed hesitation from Phil. 

“Grant, will you please look at me?” He begged. Hesitantly, Grant raised his gaze to meet Coulson’s. His eyes were damp, and he was biting his lip. 

“...you look sad.” He tilted his head in slight confusion. Had he made the man upset?

“I just-” Coulson’s voice broke slightly. “I just don’t understand how you could think I would hate you for this.” He shook his head. “You’re a great kid.” He sighed. “I don’t care what your father told you, or your older brother, they were wrong.” 

Grant stared at the man in shock. How could he say that? What did he know about Grant? Grant was a freak. That was just a fact. 

“No, they weren’t.” The teen shook his head. Coulson bit his lip, shutting his eyes tight.

“Yes. Yes, they were, Grant. You didn’t deserve any of what they put you through, do you hear me?” His voice was firm and almost frantic when he spoke again, standing up as he did. “I see you as a son too, Grant. Okay? I love you, kid!” He was close to shouting now, his voice choked. 

“Why?” Grant shook his head. “I don’t deserve that.” 

Coulson’s jaw clenched as he choked out a strangled noise. “Yes, you do! Clint loves you! Natasha loves you! Hell, even Fury thinks you’re a good kid!” He yelled. Grant flinched back. 

Coulson’s eyes immediately grew horrified. “I-I’m so sorry.” He whispered, sitting back down, nervously placing a hand in Grant’s shoulder, and looking down when he flinched. 

“It’s okay…” Grant whispered, wrapping his arms around himself. “You didn’t mean too.”

“No excuse.” He shook his head. “God, kid, I do love you. Do you understand that?” 

Hesitantly, Grant nodded. “I love you, too. Dad.” He added as an afterthought. Coulson sighed, most likely in relief, and wrapping his arms around his son. 

They stayed like that for a while, before they got a call from Fury.

Oh god. Grant was shaking as they left the building to visit the man. What has he done wrong? This was not good. Something bad was about to happen; he knew it.

They entered Fury’s office, where Natasha and Clint also were. They were both grinning. Another woman was there, looking very impressed.

“Well, Cadet Ward,” Fury spoke, entering the office. “Only the people in this officer know of you, but we all know you are one of the greatest cadets this agency has ever seen.”

“You’re the youngest cadet we’ve ever accepted,” The woman continued. Grant stifled a laugh. He hadn’t exactly applied. “And you have the highest combat and stealth skills since Romonaf.” 

“And I’m quite proud of that,” Natasha added.

“You also have some of the greatest aim I’ve ever seen,” Clint added as an afterthought.

“That is why, as a group, we’ve made this decision.” Coulson was grinning. Grant looked at his father in confusion.

“Congratulations, Agent Ward.” Fury slid a badge across the desk. “Welcome to Level One.” He leaned back, smirking. 

Grant’s eyes went wide, and he hesitantly touched the badge.

“But-” He shook his head. “I’m only 16!”

“You’re our youngest field agent ever. And you have the potential to be the best.” The woman only just seemed to realize she hadn’t introduced herself. “My name is Maria Hill, Ward.”

“So?” Coulson repeated the words he had spoken two years ago, to a scared, unsure boy, who was approached by two men in an alley.

“I’m in.”


	4. Freshman - Sophmore Year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: Death, M/M, blood

“Welcome, to the SHIELD Academy!” A man stated. “I am Agent Garret. I will select a handful of you to train myself. Name and assignment.”

Various people said various things until it was Grant’s turn. “Grant Ward, sir. Specialist.”

“Hmmm…” The man looked him over. He made a grabby motion with his hands, and an assistant handed him Grant’s file.

“Sir?”

“Welcome aboard, Cadet Ward.” He smiled sickly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I’m in,” Grant spoke into his communicator once he was in his private bunk. “Agent Garret doesn’t suspect anything. He took me at first glance. He already wants me in HYDRA, after knowing me for a day.” He smirked slightly.

“Good job, kid,” Coulson responded.

“Agreed. Excellent work, agent. But now? Now comes the hard part. We already know Garret is HYDRA. We need you to figure out who else is.” Fury demanded.

There was a knock at the door, and Grant hissed in panic. “I have to go. Someone’s here.” He whispered into the comm.

“Good luck, Agent Ward.” Fury responded to the level 3 agent.

“Stay safe,” Coulson added to the line.

The person banged on the door again, and Grant shoved his comm under his pillow, grabbing a book.

“Yeah?” He answered the door, pretending to yawn.

“Grant Ward, right?” The boy tilted his head. He had green eyes and messy brown hair. He was probably the most adorable small human being that Grant had ever had the pleasure of seeing in his life. So he smiled and nodded.

“Yep. I feel like an asshole now, but what’s yours?” He blushed slightly, feeling bad for not knowing the name of the boy who knew his.

“Jesse!” The boy stuck his hand out. “Jesse Milligan.” He smiled a warm smile that made Grant want to smile back at him.

“Nice to meet you, Jesse.” Grant shook his hand, indeed smiling back at him.

“How can I help you?”

“Well, we’re neighbors, so I figured we might as well get to know each other? But if you were going to sleep, I can come back.” He quickly added. Grant laughed slightly, shaking his head. Internally, he was less chill.

_YES! Jesse's my neighbor? He's tolerable! He's nice! He's cute! OH FUCK, I'M BISEXUAL_

“Nope. I was bored out of my mind. Come on in.” He stepped out of the doorway, holding it open in welcome. Jesse grinned, eyes sparkling.

The boys talked for a while, and when Jesse left, Grant couldn’t help the warm feeling in his chest. He found a friend his age. Someone who he would be an agent with in about three years. And, on the plus side, a cute friend. Not that Grant would ever do anything about that. Because he wasn't about to fuck up the first real friendship he'd ever had.

The next morning, he had training with Garret.

  
The training wasn’t as hard as what he’d done with Nat and Clint, but Garret was ruthless. You messed up an exercise? That’s 15 pushups. Oh, you were a minute late? Ten laps around the training room.

And he sparred with his students, but, unlike Grant, most of them were beginners and barely knew the first thing about combat.

He didn’t care. He would beat you into the ground.

“You see this, dummies?” Garret called after Grant pinned him. “This is someone who deserves to be here and to be in my ranks. Work harder.”

By the end of the day, Grant was sore and exhausted. He was pretty sure he looked awful. He'd woken up at 3, and hadn't gotten to eat until 11. Then it had been more training until 7, when they got to eat dinner, before the final workout of the day. He had stumbled into his room at 10, wanting to sleep.

When Jesse knocked on his door, he opened the door with a tired smile, though based on Jesse's expression it was ineffective in hiding his exhaustion.

The science cadet looked at him with wide eyes, scanning his body. “What happened to you?" He gaped.

“Garret’s training is a b*tch.”

“That bad, huh?” Jesse’s sounded sympathetic, reaching to grab his hand.

“Yeah.” Grant sighed, running his other hand down his face. “How was your day?” Jesse’s face lit up.

“Oh my god, Grant, it was awesome! We learned about the-” Grant didn’t understand anything else Jesse said for the next 10 minutes, but it didn’t matter.

The joy on his friend’s face was worth it.

These days continued for the next half-year, with barely any change. Grant was getting closer to HYDRA and had managed to give a few names to Fury and Coulson, but it was slow-moving. The only place he saw a real change was with Jesse.

One day, the two friends were lying on Jesse’s bed in silence, staring up at the digital constellations on his ceiling, when Jesse spoke up.

“I’ve never known anyone like you, Grant.” Jesse chuckled softly. “Most people think I’m a freak. But you don’t seem to. You talk to me. You- you’re always there for me.”

“You’re an anomaly, Jess.” Grant chuckled. “You’re the first friend I’ve had my age in… forever.” Jesse looked at him with narrow eyes.

“See that I find hard to believe. You’re fun, talented, hot,” Both boys blushed as he sort of whispered the last adjective. “So how?”

“I grew up away from other kids, I guess. I only got any friends or true family when I was 14, but still no one my age."

“Oh,” Jesse responded. They laid in silence for another moment, before Jesse spoke again. “I’m your friend, right?”

“Jesse, you’re the best friend anyone could ever ask for. And you’re more than a friend.”

“What do you mean?” Jesse sat up, looking at Grant. Grant sat up, legs under his knees.

“Jess, um, do you think I could maybe... uh, kiss you?" He asked, fidgeting nervously. Jesse's eyes widened. Grant paled. "I mean, obviously you can say no, and I'm so sorry if I read the signals wrong, we can just forget this ever happened, and-" He was cut off by Jesse's lips slamming against his.

Grant melted into the touch, pulling Jesse closer. When they pulled apart, their cheeks were flushed, and Grant let out a laugh. Jesse started laughing alongside him, and the two dissolved into giggles.

"I can't believe I kissed you!" Jesse beamed, leaning his head on Grant's shoulder, who beamed back at him.

"Well, I'm glad you did," Grant smirked, earning a smack on the shoulder before Jesse buried his face in his chest. "Hey," He nudged the boy. "We're sticking together, ou got that? I'm not letting you go anytime soon. Maybe we're both freaks, but we're freaks together." He grinned.

"Yeah. Freaks together." Jesse smiled, leaning into him.

A week before they would be ending their sophomore year, Grant found himself with Garret and several masked HYDRA agents.

“Garret? What is this?” He looked to his SO. There was someone tied to a chair, a bag over their head. They were tied incredibly tight, and their skin had gone pale, probably from loss of circulation.

“Some people are questioning your loyalty, Ward. All you have to do is kill this person. That’s it.”

Sucking in a breath, Grant looked at the man in shock. He didn't think he would actually have to kill anyone.

Garret strolled to the person in the center of the room, pulling the bag off his head.

Grant sucked in a breath as fear-filled eyes met his.

“No,” He breathed in horror. Green eyes met brown, and Grant couldn’t help the small sob that escaped him. “Please,” He begged Garret.

“Either you do it, or I do it.” Garret shrugged.

“Jesse,” He whispered, the gun falling from his grasp.

When Grant returned to his room, pale and shaking, he immediately shed his clothes and stood in the shower. He stared down at the tiles as the blood covering his shirt and hands ran down the drain.

He scrubbed furiously, but all he could see was his hands dripping in red.

When he got out of the shower, he pulled on pajama pants before wrapping himself in a blanket.

The next thing he knew, heavy sobs were racking his body.

There would be no knock on the door tonight. Or the next. Or the rest of the week. Or next year. Or ever again. A pure, good person was gone. He had failed them. And not only that, but it was his fault the person was gone at all.

His comm buzzed, and he hesitantly answered.

“Grant!” Coulson sounded relieved. “You missed a check-in!” Grant didn’t respond. “Grant? Son?”

“D-Dad,” Grant sobbed. There was a moment of silence.

“Son, what happened?” Phil whispered in horror.

“They killed him. They killed him in front of me.”

“Who killed who?” Coulson sounded alarmed.

“We’re gonna take those sons of bitches down,” Grant whispered. “We have to.”

“Grant?” Coulson sounded cautious.

“They killed Jesse. HYDRA killed Jesse without a second thought. So I’m going to make them pay.” He was glaring at the ground.

“I’m so sorry, son,” Coulson whispered. But nothing would fix this.

Jesse was gone. And he was never coming back.

  
And it was all Grant Ward’s fault.


	5. Summer Vacation Interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grant gets a little comfort post-Jesse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a short chapter, I just felt like it was important

It was summer vacation. He hadn't know SHIELD did that last year. This year, he really didn't care.

His movements were sluggish as he packed his bag. Jesse was dead. Jesse had been dead for nine days.

Jesse, a boy with an IQ of 225, who was going to change the world with his ideas was just gone. And he was never coming back.

He didn’t have any family.

No one talked about what happened. This was SHIELD, and it just reminded the students that not everyone was going to make it. One day, Jesse Milligan was at the top of his class; the next, it was some random boy who was studying Biochem.

Jesse Milligan had stopped existing.

Apparently, from what Coulson and Fury told him, Jesse died during an 'experiment gone wrong'. Right. Like Jess could ever mess up that badly. He was an engineer, not a chemist anyways. What kind of experiment could have killed him?

He hopped on his transport, emerging in a random part of South Carolina. When he arrived back at the compound, he walked straight to the living room, knowing where people would be.

“Hey, kid.” He looked up at Natasha’s pitying voice before looking down again. “I’m sorry.” She shook her head, pulling him into a tight hug, rubbing his back gently, whispering soothing nothings into his ear.

It was one of her rare soft moments, so Grant burrowed into the arms of the closest thing he’d had to a mother since he was 6.

“I’m so sorry, младший.” She whispered. Grant just nodded in her arms.

“Hey, kid.” Next, it was Clint. He just wrapped an arm around Grant, leading him to the kitchen. All the anger and fury Grant had felt was sucked out of his body a day after Jesse died, and he now he was just numb.

Clint handed him a mug of hot chocolate before sitting him down on the couch. Nat and Clint were great, and their presence was a definite comfort, but he couldn't help but wish that his dad was there. To tell him that it was going to be okay, that they would get through it. But most of all Grant just wanted Jesse to knock on the door, brush brown hair away from green eyes, and beam up at him.

He got one of those wishes.

The door slid open, and a man ran over, immediately sitting down next to Grant.

“I’m sorry,” He whispered, hugging his son close. “You shouldn’t have seen that.” Grant just leaned into Coulson’s touch, tears beginning to flow freely down his face.

“If I hadn’t kissed him, it wouldn’t have happened. If I hadn’t let him in my room on the first day, it wouldn’t have happened.” He choked out.

“You can’t think like that, Grant.” Coulson shook his head. “HYDRA is a bunch of sadistic bastards, and they would have found someone else.”

“He was smart. And kind. And good. ” Grant whispered, rocking back and forth.

“If he’s everything you say he is, then I’m sure he wouldn’t blame you.” Coulson reminded, rubbing Grant’s back.

Grant nodded, curling up. “C-Can we just watch something?” He could tell the older agents were looking at each other, but he couldn’t be bothered to care.

“Sure, kid.” Coulson finally responded, grabbing the remote. “What do you want to watch?”

Grant wasn't paying attention, only barely registering the comedy they were watching, or the concerned glances that were thrown his way. All he could do was think about the words he never said, would never get to say to his face.

So that night, as he lay in bed, hugging the sweatshirt Jesse had stolen from him close, he said the words he didn't get to say to Jesse's face. The words Jesse said to him, but Grant was too much of a coward to say back.

"I love you, too,"


	6. Junior Year

Grant returned to the academy the next fall, fully prepared to take HYDRA down. For Jesse. He was going to finish his mission, and this time nothing would stop him. No one would get in his way, and he wouldn't let anyone else get hurt because of him. Never again.

When Garret approached them, with his sicky sweet smile, Grant fought back a gag as blood seemed to appear out of nowhere.

_"Jesse," Grant whispered, the gun falling from his hand to the floor._

_Jesse looked at him in horror and confusion. Garret ungagged the other boy._

_"Grant? What's going on?" Jesse begged, the fear evident in his eyes. He pulled against the bonds, paling with every second. He'd once told Grant about that fear of his. Merintophobia. He had to be terrified. Grant shook his head, frantically._

_"No. No, I won't hurt him! A-And I won't let you either." He tried to grab Garret's gun, but two masked agents grabbed him, holding him back._

_He struggled, kicked, and flailed, but he couldn't get away from them. "JESS!" He begged, tears already beginning to stream down his face. He couldn't lose Jesse. Not him too. Not Jesse. No._

_"Grant?" Jesse called, struggling against his bonds. He froze, going pale when a bullet clicked in the chamber of the gun._ _Garret aimed the gun at Jesse's chest, pulling the trigger._

_The world moved in slow motion._

_"JESSE!" Grant screamed, lunging forward-  
_

"Cadet Ward?" Grant snapped out of his trance as Garret stopped in front of him, raising an eyebrow at him.

"Sir?" He bit his lip as he responded. He hated this man. He hated him.

"Are you with us?" The man drawled, smirking. Grant shivered internally. He hadn't always seen it. In fact, for a short period of time, he'd thought this man couldn't possibly be as evil as Coulson and Fury made him out to be. Now Grant knew. There was no man in that body. Only a monster.

"Yes, sir." Garret stared at Grant, looking for any sign of emotion or rebellion. Grant stared right back.

"Good." The man nodded satisfied. He moved to the next teen. Grant stared after him, hatred boiling in his stomach. He was going to destroy him. He was going to rip him from piece to piece, tear him to shreds.

No one messes with his family and gets away with it.

He had a new neighbor, though. He was just some field agent. They didn't talk much.

Training continued. Aggressive and hard. Garret didn't ease off, but Grant slowly worked his way up through HYDRA's ranks. And he hated every second of it.

That night as he slept, Jesse visited him. In a way, you could say.

_"NO!?" Grant screamed, dropping to his knees next to the chair. He pulled the ropes off the boy's body, catching him as he fell forward. "Shh, it's okay," He whispered, pulling Jesse into his lap. "This is all my fault," He whispered._

_"N-No," Jesse shook his head. "S'not." He wheezed_

_"Oh, hey, no, don't close your eyes," Grant tried to sound reassuring, but he probably was just making it worse._

_"I love you," Jesse mumbled, eyes drooping. Grant's eyes widened. No. That was bad. Everyone who loved Grant died. Jesse couldn't die. He couldn't._

_"Don't," He shook his head, shifting Grant. "Jess?" He lowered his voice as the boy's eyes fluttered shut. "Jesse." He shook the body, taking a shuddering breath. "Jesse, stay with me." Jesse's eyes managed to open again._

_"Don't- Don't forget me?"_

_"Never," Grant shook his head firmly. "I could never."_

_"Give it a few years," Jesse managed to snort, even on his death bed. "You won't remember me."_

_"I will. I promise I will," Grant growled out. Jesse went limp in his arms. "Jesse?" His voice broke. "Jesse, please don't leave me." He begged. "Please don't leave me, Jesse. Come on. Open your eyes," He sobbed._

_A cold hand landed on his shoulder._

Grant shot up in bed, tears streaming down his face. He hadn't had Jesse nightmares in almost a month. This place was messing with him.

Wiping sweat from his brow, he got out of his bed. He needed something to do.

Pulling on a shirt, he went down to the training room.

He didn't realize how much time had passed when his classmates arrived.

"And see, cadets, this is why Ward is my favorite." Ward stifled a gag as Garret spoke. "Ward, how long have you been down here?"

"About 4 hours, sir," Ward said honestly.

"You're dismissed. The rest of you get to work."

"Thank you, sir," Ward grunted.

He returned to his room, burying his face in his hands. He hated that man.

He pulled his comm out, questioning whether or not to make a call. He figured he would wait until check-in and opted instead to pull out his laptop, turning on FRIENDS for a while.

His thoughts eventually wandered, leading him to Jesse. It had been four months since his best friend died. Since the person, he loved died.

He worked his way through HYDRA, knowing he couldn't trust anyone.

By the time the end of the year was drawing near, he had exposed nearly 20 double agents to Fury and Coulson.

Of course, good things don't last. He needed to learn that. His father had killed his two younger siblings, his supposed mentor had killed his best friend, and now, there supposedly was a traitor in HYDRA's ranks.

Tense, Grant's hand drifted to the knife in his sleeve. If it came to a gunfight, he was screwed, but he could still try.

"Bring him out," Garret ordered. Two HYDRA agents dragged a young man into the center of the room.

"God bless America," The man chuckled, spitting at Garrett's boots.

"Hail Hydra," Garret announced to the congregation.

"Hail Hydra." Grant managed to choke out in chorus with the others as the man earned himself a bullet in the center of his head.


	7. Senior Year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garret is a jerk, Coulson is a concerned dad, and Fury is Fury

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mentions of abuse, self-hate

Grant hit the ground with an oof. Garret was standing over him with a sadistic glint to his eyes. “Ward, son,” He clicked his tongue. “What did I tell you would happen if you got attached?” He hated that word. Son.

“I’m sorry, sir.” He choked out as Garret kicked him again. “It won’t happen again.” He curled into a fetal position. He couldn’t fight back against Garret, so the best he could do was protect himself.

“I told you! We don’t involve ourselves with them!” Garret bellowed. 

“I know, sir!” He whispered. “We don’t love; we don’t attach; we don’t trust anyone but HYDRA!” He repeated what Garret had said so many times.

“So do you mind telling me why in god’s name I saw you hugging that bitch?” Grant flinched as Garret kicked him between every syllable.

“She was upset! I was just trying to make connections. Just like you say to do!”

“Fine.” Garret spat on his ‘favorite’ student. This was what being the favorite earns you. “Get to your quarters.”

Grant stumbled to his room, breaking down when he closed the door.

He felt weak. He felt pathetic like he did when his father and brother would beat him. He hadn’t felt this pathetic in a long time. He missed his dad. He missed his Aunt Natasha. He wanted to see Clint again, or even Fury and Hill. Most of all, he wanted Jesse back. He wanted Jesse to knock on his door, suck in his breath, and help Grant bandage his ribs and ice his face.

It had been two years, and Grant still couldn’t get over him. He never deserved Jesse’s love and care. Look where it got him. He didn’t deserve Coulson, Natasha, Clint, and Fury’s assistance, pity, or care.

He didn’t deserve anything.

**You don’t think you deserve it? You _are_ worthy of love, Grant. **

Jesse’s voice echoed in his head. Burying his face in his hands, Grant let out a sob.

He didn’t know how he let his heart keep breaking.

He should have learned his lesson when he was three-years-old, and his mother broke down, screaming out of nowhere. He should have learned his lesson when he was five, and his father handed him a pistol and told him that it was his life. He should have learned when he was ten, and his older brother beat him, Thomas, and Dana to a pulp. He should have learned at thirteen when his father shot Dana. And he should have learned two years ago when Garret shot Jesse through the heart with no hesitation.

He honestly was expecting Coulson, Nat, or Clint to pull a gun on him one of these days, no matter how unlikely it seemed.

His commlink beeped, and video footage of Coulson and Fury appeared. Coulson beamed at him for a second, before his expression turned to confusion, and then anger.

“Who did that to you?” He growled.

“It’s not a big deal, Dad.” Grant shrugged.

“Yes, it is!” Coulson glared at him. “Who did it?”

“...Garret…” He mumbled.

“What was that?”

“It was Garret, okay?” Coulson clenched his jaw, and maybe his fists, but Grant couldn’t see his hands.

“I want him extracted. No more of this.” Coulson growled, turning to face Fury.

“What, no! Dad, I can do this! It’s fine!”

“I won’t have you beaten by a HYDRA agent regularly! We’ll arrest him, interrogate him, and we’ll reveal you as a real agent!” Coulson sounded frantic. Grant wanted to calm him down but didn’t know how to.

“No,” Fury intervened. “He’s fine.”

“He’s fine?” Coulson spat, turning to Fury. “Look at him! And we can only see from the shoulders up!”

“I-I really am fine!”

“Let me see your ribs, then,” Coulson demanded. Grant shook his head.

“They’re fine!”

“Then you won’t mind us looking!”

“Agent Coulson, control yourself.” Fury snapped. “Ward, what do you think?”

“I’m making real progress, sir,” Ward’s voice went almost automatically to the stiff, polite tone Garret had instilled in him.

“As in?”

“I’ve worked my way through his ranks and am getting closer to discovering who the higher-ups are. If we take Garret in, he won’t reveal anything. I know that much.”

“Very well. Give Agent Ward the rest of the year, Coulson. Then we’ll discuss extraction.” Fury disappeared shortly thereafter.

“Son,” Grant flinched. He hadn’t liked anyone calling him that anymore. Garret called him that. “Are you sure this is what you want? You have nothing to prove to any of us.” He begged slightly. Grant’s eyes softened.

“I know,” He said, against all the insecurities that had been eating at him moments earlier. “I’m okay, I promise.” He smiled at his father. “Don’t worry.”

“Good night, Grant.” Coulson sighed.

“Good night, Dad.” Grant gave him a strained smile.

Coulson frowned but hung up anyways.

Grant hid the comm again, collapsing on his bed. He ran a hand down his face, sighing.

He was not looking forward to the remainder of the year, but he was doing what he had to do. For Jesse and everyone else, HYDRA’s heads had swallowed.

Glancing at the photo on his dresser, a small smile spread across his face. Jesse was still there, in a way.

He knew Jesse was gone. There was nothing that could or would change that. But he still had the things Jesse gave him, the photographs they had together, and things that held him together. He had his family, and he tried to remind himself he deserved their love.

That was the most challenging part, but he wanted to make Jesse proud.

And so he kept going. Kept working.

He climbed, he fought, and he exposed more agents than ever before.


	8. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I decided I'm gonna continue this fic as a sequel fic, just to give myself room for a larger time jump, and stuff. I'm going to try and make the sequel longer if you want to stick around.

Grant Ward was an Agent of SHIELD. He had been since he was sixteen-years-old. He had officially been one for a year.

His mission wasn't over yet, but he was getting closer to discovering who was at the top every day.

He had started to move on from Jesse. It still hurt. It still hurt every day. I mean, he never ever thought it would magically stop hurting. Scars never fade, they only ever heal. But he _was_ healing. He didn't know if he would ever love someone to the same degree that he had loved Jesse.

But maybe that was okay.

Coulson and his friend, Malinda May, had been dancing around each other for about a month or two now. They were so clearly in love, but so obviously in denial. It was driving Grant insane. He, along with Nat and Clint, were trying their hardest to set the two up, but their efforts were fruitless, and they eventually gave up trying.

Though Grant had sat his father figure down one day, taken a deep breath, and gave him a reminder.

_"You never expect you're going to lose the people you care about, Dad," He had whispered. "You never think these people are going to be ripped out of your grasp out of nowhere because that's unimaginable."_

_"Grant?" Coulson had furrowed his brow in confusion._

_"I just don't want you to regret never doing this, Dad. I never got to tell Jesse that I loved him," He had to repress tears at that. "That wasn't fair. But life isn't fair. All we can do is take advantage of the time we get. Okay?"_

_Coulson didn't respond, but Grant just patted his shoulder before walking away._

He still hated Garret, and that wouldn't ever change. But that man had no hold over his life anymore. He couldn't affect his life anymore. Grant was free from that man who had nearly destroyed him. But, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Grant still had many, many scars. Scars on the outside, from his father, brother, and SO. Scars on the inside from the same people, as well as losing Jesse, Dana, and many more.

Grant Ward was still fighting. And he was going to keep fighting. In many, many more battles.

For his friends. For his family. For himself.

He was Grant Ward, Agent of SHIELD


End file.
